Self-Deception: Why Is It Important to Be Honest and True With Oneself

The lies that we tell ourselves, do more harm than we realize

Shabaira Junaid
The Apeiron Blog
5 min readDec 16, 2020

Image by DanaTentis from Pixabay

Everybody despises lies and deception. We don’t like it when somebody calls us a liar because we’re told telling lies is bad. The concepts of right and wrong and morality are ingrained in our minds from an early age.

So why don’t we emphasize the importance of being honest with ourselves? Is it because we don’t consider lying to ourselves technically a ‘lie’, or that we think we’re always forthright with ourselves.

We try to deceive ourselves all the time, and the lies we tell ourselves, do us more harm than we realize. It is in our nature to deny evidence and logic when we know that we’ll find the truth to be unpleasant.

Self-Deception

“The worst of all deceptions is self-deception.” — Plato

Self-deception is the act of lying to yourself, having false notions about things, and refusing to acknowledge the truth. We lie to ourselves when we are not ready to face reality when it may be upsetting and unfavorable.

Constant lying to yourself hinders personal growth and is the biggest obstacle in living a fulfilling life, according to the psychologist and author, Cortney S. Warren. In her book, Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Psychology of Self-Deception, she says,

“What became increasingly obvious to me was that telling ourselves lies — from the minuscule to the enormous — came with profound consequences for ourselves, our loved ones, and our communities.”

The How and Why

“Self-deception comes from not having enough psychological strength to admit the truth and deal with the consequences that will follow when the truth is acknowledged.”

― Cortney S. Warren, Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Psychology of Self-Deception

As self-deception is about lying to ourselves to avoid facing our real emotions, repressing our real thoughts, and living in denial, Sigmund Freud’s psychoanalytic theory can be used to explain the reasons for it.

Freud believed that self-deception was a necessary element of all defense mechanisms that an individual might engage in, to protect itself from the conflict that arose between its conscious and unconscious mind.

According to Freud, our ego — the realistic part of the mind — engages in different defense mechanisms to protect us. Some of those can include:

  • Repression — When the ego puts distressing thoughts and ideas in the unconscious part, thereby preventing them from affecting our conscious thoughts and actions.
  • Denial — Painful and upsetting thoughts and experiences are blocked by the ego, which causes the individual to refuse to accept or acknowledge reality.
  • Projection — To protect the individual from distress, the ego holds another person responsible for the unpleasant motives, thoughts and actions.

We are emotionally and mentally weak which makes it difficult for us to face the truth about situations, relations, and life in general. We prefer to believe a distorted truth or live in denial. Instead of facing reality, we try to make ourselves feel better by lying and deceiving ourselves.

We turn to self-deception when we don’t like the idea of change and can’t let go of our old beliefs and habits. Fear of the unknown makes us want to stay in our comfort zones.

We face what is known as “Cognitive Dissonance”, where we find ourselves in situations involving contradictory attitudes, beliefs, and behavior. This causes feelings of discomfort and forces us to engage in actions to minimize the tension.

Harms of Self-Deception

Fyodor Dostoevsky, a Russian philosopher, and novelist talked about how lying to ourselves can have unfavorable consequences.

“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.”

When you’re dishonest with yourself, you refuse to acknowledge the truth and turn a blind eye towards reality. This results in you making poor decisions in life based on false assumptions and distorted facts. You could act in ways or make decisions that may be morally wrong, but you’d not realize it.

Cortney S. Warren puts this as,

“The more we lie to ourselves about how we are contributing to our problems, the more harm we will cause to ourselves and our relationships because we will blame others for undesirable aspects of our lives instead of taking responsibility for our role.”

You feel anxious most of the time. The constant effort required to maintain an alternate reality drains you emotionally. You fail to address the real underlying issues. Instead, you seek distractions to avoid dealing with the root cause.

When you seek a place of comfort and familiarity, you lessen the chances of growth and living a fulfilled life.

“One major cost of self-deception is that we use painful life experiences to justify being non-ideal versions of ourselves.”

― Cortney S. Warren, Lies We Tell Ourselves: The Psychology of Self-Deception

Dealing With It

It takes a great deal of patience, determination, and courage to overcome the habit of self-deception. You cannot fix everything overnight; it requires continuous effort daily.

Learn to self-reflect. Be honest about how you feel about things, and try to find out your true intentions. For instance, why you took a certain decision, or what made you react in a certain way. It will help you become aware of your weaknesses, and to come face to face with the real issues that need addressing.

Learn to face reality even if it is painful or unpleasant. Strive to be courageous and take responsibility for your actions. Learn to embrace change and face the fear of the unknown; it will help you grow. Cortney S. Warren believes that we can use pain as motivation. In her book she states,

“We would all benefit by shifting our focus from seeing pain as bad to seeing pain as motivation to change.”

Final Thoughts

We all engage in some form of self-deception, whether we admit it or not. We lie to ourselves, distort facts, and create false notions to shield ourselves from insecurities and distressing reality.

It may seem like a good strategy to cope with unpleasant truths, but it harms us in the long run.

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Responses (1)

What are your thoughts?

We lie to ourselves when we are not ready to face reality when it may be upsetting and unfavorable.

So true.

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